Once upon a time, when we were very young, our parents read us stories. In these stories, fairies danced in the moonlight, pirates buried wonderful treasures, cows jumped over the goodnight moon, and a handful of stuffed animals came to life and played with their little-boy friend in the 100 Acre Wood.
We are older now – grown up, even grown old – and so have the characters in those stories. Some have grown so old they’ve lost their copyrights. Without those, they are free to re-enter the world in entirely new adventures. That is exactly what happened to the characters created by A.A.Milne. In 2022, the copyright on “Winnie the Pooh” ran out. The characters were reborn into the public domain. And in this case, the public domain was an unfit parent.
The story begins with lovingly recreated drawings reminiscent of those in the Pooh books. We are introduced to Christopher Robin, Pooh, Eeyore, Piglet, Rabbit and Owl. However, the story quickly takes a dark turn as Christopher Robin goes off to school, leaving his imaginary chums behind. Forced to fend for themselves, they turn feral, even cannibalistic.
And then, one day, Christopher comes back.
At this point, our tale switches from animation to real life. An adult Christopher Robin (Nikolai Leon – “The Killing Tree”) has brought his fiance, Mary (Paula Koiz – “Toothfairy Queen of Pain”), into the 100 Acre Wood to show her his boyhood friends. She alternates between humoring him and trying to convince him they were simply imaginary playmates. All the while, they are walking deeper and deeper into the woods. A storm comes up just as they come upon a weird farm settlement, which vaguely reminds Christopher of his childhood playgrounds.
Christopher and Mary seek shelter in a strange chalet-like building, but no sooner are they out of the storm than they hear someone coming. They hide just as someone enters and lies down on the bed, trapping the young couple.
After nightfall, the couple creep out of the building and into the farmyard. Then, without warning, all the intelligence, creativity and production money ran out!
Oh, Rhys (Director/writer Rhys Frake-Waterfield – “Firenado”), how could you do this to us? After such a wonderful introduction, you have us spend the remaining 72 minutes of your film wallowing in schlock (and this is an insult to the 1973 John Landis movie of that name).
From this point on, the film collapses into every cliche-ridden kill-the-comely-girls-by-various-gruesome-means slasher flick you’ve seen but wish you hadn’t. They were something new 40 years ago, but shame on anyone who stoops this low in 2023. By the way, Frake-Waterfield seems to have latched (leech-like) onto something here. Upcoming later this year are a sequel to “Blood and Honey,” as well as exploitation flicks of Peter Pan and Bambi. With all this killer-porn under Rhys’ belt, can porn-porn be far behind?
If you haven’t seen this travesty yet – don’t. If you have, sue for your money back, even if you have to take it in honey.
Note: This dreck made $6 million worldwide on a budget of $100,000. Is it any wonder humanity is circling the drain?
Credits
Director/writer: Rhys Frake-Waterfield
Producers: Scott Jefffrey, Rhys Frake-Waterfield
Cinematographer: Vince Knight
Editor: Rhys Frake-Waterfield
Music: Andrew Scott Bell
Cast
Christopher: Nikolai Leon
Mary: Paula Koiz
Pooh: Craig David Dowsett
Piglet: Chris Cordell
And numerous women whose only purpose was to be slaughtered in nauseating ways.
Runtime: Far too long
Availability: Opened in theaters as No. 3 (February – a very slow month) / Now streaming on VOD
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