Attention all higher-order nerds, you’ll want to bookmark this particular review — I’m about to make and your day! What’s the downside, you say? In order to do it, I’m so going to have to take the jelly out of your doughnut. How am I going to achieve all this? By telling you about the newest horror release: “Altitude.”
The story is simple enough: A group of naive teens go on vacation in backwoods Canada. While there, they decide to charter a plane. They meet up with a rookie pilot (Jessica Lowndes) and off they go, one of them with a “Weird Stories” comic book (ahem, ubergeeks!). Suddenly, and without warning, a storm approaches the plane. The pilot, who is such a rookie that she doesn’t have her instrument rating (and by the way, how can she be a charter pilot and NOT have her instrument rating?) decides to climb over the storm. She takes the plane up, and up, and well past the service altitude for a small turboprop plane like hers. As they proceed into the storm, the passengers and pilot quickly realize that they’re not flying into a storm. It’s … wait for it … CTHULHU! Seriously! I kid you not! And ladies and gentlemen, Cthulhu is not happy, perhaps because not enough people believe in his awesomeness.
Now, if at this point in the piece I don’t think I have to say that it’s a bad movie, nor do I have to belabor the point. My snarky color commentary while outlining the plot is evidence of that. However if you need more objective proof that this movie is bad, consider these next six words: it’s being released direct to DVD. Also consider that I’ve never heard of a single person in the cast. This is because upon further research, the primary cast hasn’t done anything, not counting of course, teen dramas on The CW, “The OC”, being on MTV and being a leading male role on “Degrassi.”
Cthulhu is the sole reason why this movie should be viewed. However, If you really want to invest time in seeing this, you’ll either have to try to find it in the bargain shelves of your local video store, or drive to Canada — the only country where it’s screening.
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Follow Chris Hyatt on Twitter at http://twitter.com/hyattch.