— by CHAS BLANKENSHIP —
Ah, Christmas … a time of peace on earth and good-will toward men.
A time of overzealous joy when we gather around the dinner table with family and loved ones … reminiscing over good food at the wonders of the season as the little ones peek eagerly under the tree or look out into the stars for a fleeting glimpse of reindeer or a man dressed in red.
It’s a season to give to those more in need … and reflect on the goodness that dwells ever so bright within the hearts of man.
BULL … Absolute Bull!
Christmas isn’t a time for family and cheer … sometimes, it’s the time for getting laid, picking on the less fortunate and hacking up poor saps with a fireman’s axe.
So grill a steak, pump your muscles and sing your swears cause Santa Clause is coming tonight … GUY STYLE, with the five best Christmas movies for MEN!
#5: “Silent Night, Deadly Night” (Charles E. Sellier Jr., 1984)
Merry KILL-Mas! If you thought getting a lump of coal in your stocking was bad, just you wait! In the wake of John Carpenter’s “Halloween,” everyone was getting on the holiday-horror bandwagon, and the 25th of December was no exception. Taking place of three periods in time, the film follows Billy Chapman and the horrific events that he witnessed on Christmas as a child — the murder of his parents by a man dressed as Saint Nick. Naturally, this disturbed young Billy who was placed in an orphanage where each Christmas he gets understandably upset. When Billy reaches 18, he gets a job working in a store, but at Christmas time Billy starts to get a little ax-happy, killing anyone who he sees doing anything naughty — usually involving sex, for years or childhood trauma had disturbed him so much, Billy was told that people who do naughty things get punished, so now he puts on the red and white and becomes a jolly ole’ executioner. The film is just nuts with its gore and the implication of Santa butchering people became so disturbing that many people turned away … nevertheless, the film went on to spawn (bear with me) three sequels! Bare breasts and Santa wielding and axe … what could be more wholesome!?
#4: “Bad Santa” (Terry Zwigoff, 2003)
Billy Bob Thornton has found his Josef Von Sternberg in Terry Zwigoff. As a revolting, immoral, insignificant Santa, Willie is a wonder in this crude romp through the holiday season. His face is a moving, disturbing, hysterical reflection of his awareness … and it works to crank out the laughs. Hilarity ensues when a dim-witted fat kid takes it upon himself to follow Willie around thinking he’s the real Santa when in fact Willie is a conman looking to rip off department store registers during the mad dash of shopping. “Bad Santa” may not be classy, but it’s got it where it counts with booze, rudeness and in the end a twisted and funny friendship between a conman and a troubled kid … plus, that little “Gilmore Girls” minx Lauren Graham gets her ass felt up and strips down to a lacey black bra … SCORE!
#3: “Batman Returns” (Tim Burton, 1992)
What do you get when you take the most significant holiday of the year … and toss in a deformed Penguin man, a mousy secretary turned into a super-erotic dominatrix-style Catwoman and the one Bat-garbed vigilante ready to take them both on? One of the best Comic Book adaptations of all time. Following up 1989’s hyper-successful “Batman,” Goth-aficionado Tim Burton expands on his Caped Crusader universe with a unique approach to the Penguin (gallivanting around talking about “poon-tang” chomping on raw fish and feeling up young blondes) and an uber-sexy Selina Kyle bringing a soft, pink tongue to Batman’s face (he even licks his lips afterwards!) Batman is arguably at his darkest here and the action is rip-roaring with a dynamite Batmobile chase and the Dark Knight’s attempt to thwart the Penguin’s plans to drown Gotham City’s children. Drowning kids for Christmas? That makes the Grinch look like Christ!
#2: “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (Jeremiah S. Chechik)
The most delightfully offbeat Christmas comedy, “Christmas Vacation” finds the fabled Griswolds trying to make the most of the season in their own unique style. It might arguably be the weakest of the “Vacation” films (although I personally would take this over “Vega Vacation”) but this one is zany enough to ensure that they still had it going on. Portraying the Griswolds inviting several relatives to their house for Christmas, the movie portrays one mishap after another … how else could it go? Particularly hilarious are the sled scene, the light scene, the squirrel scene, and Clark’s rant after he finds out about his Christmas bonus … laced with all the traditional holiday obscenities. Also noteworthy is the va va voom bombshell Nicolette Scorsese (no relation to Marty that I know of) who plays the oh-so-hot lingerie salesgirl and the woman of Clark’s desires this time around (harkening to Christie Brinkley from the first film)Ms. Scorsese parading around a pool in a there-then-gone red bathing suit to the sounds of “Mele Kalikimaka?” Tis the Season indeed!!!
#1: “Die Hard” (John McTiernan, 1988)
Christmas badassness at its most palpable folks. The prototype of the modern day action film, “Die Hard” is in a class all its own … with the now iconic John McClane and his dry-Brooklyn-wit as he takes on a band of Terrorists headed by Alan Rickman while visiting his estranged wife and children in LA for the holidays. The film is bombastic and … well … just pretty damn FUN! “Predator” director John McTiernan pumps about 10 million CCs into Christmas. Simply put, “Die Hard” is one of the smartest and savviest action screenplays ever written. McTiernan holds up his end of the film admirably as well — he uses the claustrophobic nature of the office building to great effect (particularly in any scene involving an elevator shaft), and he keeps the film rolling at a rollercoaster pace, building up the anticipation of the audience before unleashing all hell in bloody, action-soaked glory … with McClane taking it to the terrorists like an old-fashioned cowboy … which sees the utter destruction of the Nakatomi plaza, bloody bodies dangling everywhere, a hailstorm of machine gun fire and glass (who gives a shit about glass!?) and caps it all off with a delightfully chummy take on “Let it Snow.” If this is how McClane celebrates Christmas, I GOTTA be there for New Years!
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