Oh. Em. Gee. Now, the fact that I decided to open this piece with an internet acronym should tell you to run. The fact that I spelled it out should tell you that unless you are an UBER geek with no life, a la the description from “South Park,” you need not only to run, but to do so at your maximum velocity. “Tokyo Gore Police” is the most blatantly ridiculous movie I have ever had the — I don’t even know if I can call it misfortune — to lay eyes upon.
I quite honestly don’t know where to start with this walking talking cliché of a movie. In a much more screwed up version of future “Akira” Japan, a mad scientist — that goes without saying — named “Key Man” creates mutant humans a la “Left 4 Dead” called “Engineers” who can have limbs, really any part of their body, hacked to pieces, and from the carnage create weapons, after spraying several liters of blood in the process. The Tokyo Metro police are privatized to deal with it, and a special tactical unit, cleverly called “Engineer Hunters” are created to deal with the threat.
Eihi Shiina stars as Ruka, essentially a mercenary dressed in typical Japanese schoolgirl-style garb modified for combat (thank God for that), is extremely talented at killing these abominations and is assigned with the cops to do precisely that. While she does so, she also looks for the assassin who killed her father, an honest street cop in a contrived fashion that eventually leads her to Key Man on more than one front.
First of all, even by my admittedly limited Japanese live-action movie standards, this movie is an absolute joke. Two things work in its favor: Shiina’s outfit and the fact that you get exactly what it says in the movie’s title — an abundance of gore. Aside from that, the effects are cheesy, the mutants can’t seem to stop spewing blood from just barely covered rubber hoses built into the costumes, and the location of some of these mutant weapons, well, let’s just say with a few tweaks this would be well suited to be hentai rather than phantasmagoria (a great word to describe this that I didn’t know existed until today).
I can’t slam this movie hard enough, or with the color I’d like, but I can definitely say this: Unless you’re the aforementioned ubergeek, and this kind of stuff rings your bell, DO not see this movie, do NOT see this movie, DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE!
. . .
Follow Chris Hyatt on Twitter at http://twitter.com/hyattch.