It's Just Movies

— by CHRIS HYATT —

“Piranha 3D” is going to be terrible. As of the moment I started typing this article, I haven’t seen the trailer, much less looked for one. Truth be told, I didn’t really have a firm grasp of its existence until I heard TMZ make a reference to it last night. Even so, I’m going to do something rather cocky of me: I’m calling it right now. I’m going to simultaneously prove why I don’t need to see the trailer to declare the movie bad, and I’m going to use the movie to critique this new 3D trend.

First, let’s look at “Piranha 3D” for what it is. This is a remake of the 1978 Joe Dante film where, for some idiot reason, ravenous piranha take up residence somewhere in the U.S. — in this case, Arizona — where they would almost certainly die in real life. Just like in the disproven myths, the local young couple skinny-dipping gets eaten alive faster than you can say “How lame,” and it’s up to the local sheriff, with trusty shotgun in hand, to save the town. Doesn’t this sound like a movie that should be premiering on Syfy instead of at theaters?

Let’s look at the cast. Clearly, we are not expecting an Oscar-winning movie, or even a really good contender, and the casting reflects that. Elisabeth Shue is apparently the lead in this movie. She must have talked to Linda Hamilton because she looks like a hoss now (that’s here in the picture). Ving Rhames is her No. 2. I don’t know why he’d do this movie, but I’m guessing it’s not to play the token black B.A., nor do I know why Richard Dreyfuss or Christopher Lloyd would want to do this, but it’s obvious Jerry O’Connell is in it for the money. Dina Meyer must be contractually obliged to star in bad sci-fi movies because here she is in yet another one (but she’s hot so she gets the free pass). Minus Eli Roth’s cameo — the reason why I even know about this movie, thank you TMZ — every other actor that I haven’t listed is either a model (legit or porn), an alum of a show on the CW and its ilk, or an actor in movies described in a previous article, American Hangover: The Elegy of Comedy Movies. In other words, there’s really nothing here of note.

Turning our attention to the medium and the timing of its release, it’s in 3D, slated for a an Aug. 27 release, with a special premiere on April 28 at the Texas Frightmare Weekend. Can you guys begin to connect the dots? No? Allow me to elaborate. While I a) have never seen a movie in 3D and b) realize that the potential is staggering, if done right (yes, this means you Avatar), I can already see a summer chock full of bad 3D movies. Running a very non-specific Google search for all of a minute, I found “Halloween 3D” and “Step Up 3D” to be released before “Piranha 3D,” which drops not long before “Jackass 3D.” Why we need another one of any of these movies, I’ll never know. Either way, 3D technology will be 2010s’ answer to CGI, akin to movie-makers who’ve run out of ideas taking the plot of a good movie and just putting it in space or underwater. Plots will be terrible, acting will be even worse, but none of it will matter as long as the 3D works as advertised. Just pray they don’t remake or re-release “300” — the progenitor of “Clash of the Titans,” another movie that likely should have been released as a Syfy Saturday movie — in 3D. God help us all.

All in all, I’m predicting “Piranha 3D” to be a complete flop. As it’s a horror movie involving prehistoric fish, it’s virtually guaranteed to be so. As promised, I haven’t watched the trailer for this movie yet, I will do so now. The next paragraph I write will be after I’ve seen it.

Good sweet God. Okay, I don’t know how many generalities about what I’ve just seen I can cram in to a paragraph, let alone a sentence, so here goes. This is totally “American Pie 2” or any other high school “Let’s go to the beach and get faced” summer movie goes to the beginning of “Dante’s Peak,” where they find deadly Syfy movie animals, causing “Jaws”-like reactions from the drunken party-goers, and “Deep Blue Sea”-like reactions from the sheriffs, none of which I bet have ever dealt with rogue marine life.

In other words, I was so totally right all along.

. . .

Follow Chris Hyatt on Twitter at http://twitter.com/hyattch.