— by CAM SMITH —
I’d imagine that anyone with a miniscule dollop of working brain matter who saw the trailer or clip for “Transylmania” could instantly tell that it would be a harrowing and gruelling experience, perhaps cinema’s ultimate answer to spending a day in the Hanoi Hilton.
Directed by the Hillenbrand brothers, the directorial man-children behind “National Lampoon’s Dorm Daze 1 and 2” and “Demon Island,” the “film” (quotations added for effect) was released with the sole opportunistic intention of leeching off some of “New Moon’s” box-office life-blood, desperately hoping to capture the nonexistent imaginations of the minute, woefully slow-witted contingent of Twihard tweens still amused by people randomly falling down and getting hit in the crotch. It was a sleazy, shameless plan that, unfortunately, did have a tiny chance of paying off really modest dividends.
However, North Americans have a new reason to hold their heads high and respect their fellow man, as their valiant participation — or thankful lack thereof — has officially earned “Transylmania” the appropriately pathetic title of “Worst Domestic Premiere in History,” earning only $274,000 in just over 1,000 locations, according to The Wrap. If you do the math, this steaming piece-of-you-know-what brought in just a smidgeon over $272 dollars per theatre screen over three days. On behalf of all cinephiles and film enthusiasts around the globe, can I get a “Hell-yeah!!!”?
Just to add even more insult to glorious injury, I feel it also necessary to report that Rotten Tomatoes clocked the flick at 00% fresh, with its piddly 15 logged reviews — even critics, it would appear, have limits as to what films they’re willing to be paid to see — comparing its production values and acting to the type of efforts usually “relegated to the adult section of your local video store” and referring to its potential supporters as “humorless adolescent twaddle.” Ouch.
With any luck, the colossally embarrassing failure of “Transylmania” — which is undoubtedly far more amusing than anything in the actual movie — will send a loud and clear message to its fellow imbecilic, mouth-breathing brethren (I’m looking straight at you “The 40 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Superbad About It”!) to never again step foot from their dust-addled, rusty clearance-sale bin homes.
*Sigh* A movie-geek can pray, can’t he?!
Follow Cam Smith on Twitter at http://twitter.com/camspcepisodes.