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Trailer Talk: ‘Showgirls 2: The Return’ (NSFW)

— by CAM SMITH —

Despite what you may or may not assume, I’ve never seen “Showgirls.” No, I’m not trying to preserve my already miniscule amounts of dignity and self-respect — I’ll fully cop to making pathetic pilgrimages to see “Striptease” and *shudder* “Barb Wire” in theatres at the hormone-crazed age of 15 — but rather to establish the fact that I may be in over my head in reviewing the just-released trailer for “Showgirls 2: The Return.”

As brought to you, and all of unfortunate mankind, by Geoff Schaaf, the seemingly eternal-length clip (five full soul-sucking minutes!) actually manages to accomplish the nearly impossible: it makes naked women boring.

From its prolonged and shameless opening sequence, featuring some poor “actress,” wearing nothing but her birthday suit and bathwater, writhing and half-crawling across a dingy linoleum floor — the camera pervishly lingering on her shapely derriere — before being unconvincingly battered to death by a punkish, towel-clad woman wielding a shiny silver jogger’s hand-weight (seriously, from the feeble amount of force in her blows, she might as well be beating the woman with cotton balls), it’s obvious that “Showgirls 2” is destined to be complete and utter crap. Not fun crap, either. No, it’s the type of unbearable tripe that somehow grabs your scattered attention while languidly surfing the cable channels at 3 a.m., causing you to instantly loathe yourself for not going to bed long ago.

Even worse, after the goofy introduction, the trailer suddenly spirals into a brain-melting pastiche of disconnected images and tedious bumping and grinding. It’s like an unholy amalgamation mating a late-night sex-phone line commercial and a bargain-basement recreation of the hallucination scenes from Terry Gilliam’s “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.” Frankly, I don’t know whether to be bewildered, mildly aroused or frightened … I’m gonna go with the latter just to be safe.

I do, however, feel it my duty to mention two other notable bits (not quite) worth checking out. The first, a horribly-lit scene of blatantly forced and unenthusiastic lesbianism, is almost as erotic as that scene in “About Schmidt” when Kathy Bates drops her skivvies and attempts to seduce old Jack Nicholson in the hot tub. Almost. The other moment which warrants mention is a klutzily-staged fight scene which might as well be two men engaging in awkward interpretive dance.

I did kind of smile at the cheesy 80s music-video font at the end, though. It reminded me of “Tron.”

That said, judging from this theoretically brief clip, I can’t imagine ever, ever hating myself enough to endure this trash. Perhaps it would make a suitable weapon for punishing enemies of the state, the criminally deranged and people who answer their cell phones in movie theatres. I suspect that, if implemented, this cruel treatment could lead to a sharp statistical decline in the number of repeat offenders.

But what do I know? Despite being a spectacular box-office disaster, the original “Showgirls” has been a hot seller on DVD — it was so successful, in fact, that it inspired an expensive “V.I.P.” box-set which a co-worker of mine actually purchased — so obviously there’s a market for tawdry cinematic sludge depicting embarrassed actresses disrobing with all the enthusiasm of a Renaissance-era virgin country-girl offering herself to a decrepit elderly monarch.

Although release information for “Showgirls 2: The Return” remains cloaked in mystery, you can bet your dollar bills that the curious — possibly clad in trench-coats — will be able to find it cluttering up video rental outlet shelves mighty soon. Somewhere alongside “Wild Things 4” and “Poison Ivy 9,” no doubt.

Source: Trailer Addict

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Follow Cam Smith on Twitter at http://twitter.com/camspcepisodes.

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1 Comments Add Yours ↓

  1. Mo GB #
    1

    WTF?!?



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